Deployment is hard, there is no getting around it.  Whether it is your first time around or your fifth, having your spouse gone for months at a time is just no fun.  Having a great support system is one of the best things you can do to help you through the inevitable ups and downs of a deployment but no matter how much family you have, and how many friends, if you can, be sure you have a “deployment BFF” as well.

What is a Deployment BFF you might ask? Simply a friend (new or old) who also has a deployed spouse.  Whether it’s another spouse from your unit or just a long-distance friend from a previous duty station, I think it’s important to have at least one person in your life who is also in the thick of the stresses of deployment.

Here are my top three reasons why everyone needs a Deployment BFF:

Avoiding Resentment: During my husband’s last deployment I was pregnant with our third son and wrangling our two older boys who were 4 and 2 at the time.  At first I attended all of his unit’s holiday parties and events hoping to meet other spouses going through the same thing but they were always composed mostly of rear detachment families.  I finally stopped going because I resented watching other families enjoying family time together when my husband was gone.  Right or wrong, I resented them and I was jealous that those other children had their dads there with them while mine didn’t. That those wives had a partner to tag-team with when the kids got crazy, I didn’t.

Commiserate Together: One of my best friend’s husband deployed around the same time as my husband this last time and although we were both going through hard times, we were able to spend a lot of time together.  Whether it was having dinner together to break up the monotony of the week or planning a fun outing on the weekend, having another spouse riding solo as a friend can help to fill those gaping holes in your social calendar.  As an added bonus, my friend also had a son that was similar age as my boys, so they didn’t have to feel that they were the only one whose Daddy wasn’t around. They also had their own little deployment BFF that knew what it was like to only see Daddy via Skype.

Venting: You know what happens, as soon as your loved one hits foreign soil the washing machine breaks, the car needs a repair, or for me this last time, your house gets invaded by mice! It’s the Murphy’s Law of Deployment.  When I had to remove the, um, remains of two mice that were caught in mouse traps while 8 months pregnant and my hubby was away, who did I call to talk me down from my hysteria and get me to do the gruesome and necessary task? My deployment BFF that’s who.  Because she was the one that knew that no matter how grossed out I was-I didn’t have a choice, it was step up or get out!

Your deployment BFF will provide you with courage when you need it, laughs when you’re feeling down, and empathy when it sometimes seems too much.  Who have you relied on during deployments the most? Family, non-military friends? Have you had a deployment BFF?

Though spring is almost here, the cold weather and being stuck inside are still in full swing. Let MilitaryFamily.com help you and the kids avoid becoming stir crazy with our ‘Boredom Busters’ Giveaway! Three grand prize winners will be provided with top-of-the-line boredom buster games and activities to make being stuck inside fun! Don’t forget to follow us on twitter and friend us on facebook for more contests.

Prize packages will be composed of items in the below slideshow. Exact contents of each may vary.

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R&R Games: Provided copies of their Pluckin’ Pairs and Hey Froggy Board Games

Thanks to MCA, our premiere sponsor for this giveaway! Thanks to all of our sponsors for making this giveaway possible. For more information, visit our rules and regulations.

Goldbrick Games: http://www.goldbrickgames.com/
Provided copies of their Perpetual Commotion and 2-Player Perpetual Commotion Games

Balloon Blast: http://www.balloonblasttoy.com/
Provided their Balloon Blast Toy for each ‘Boredom Buster’ Pack

Kumon Books: http://www.kumonbooks.com/home/index.aspx
Provided their ‘Easy Crafts,’ ‘Around the World’ and ‘Decimals & Fractions’ activity books for each ‘Boredom Buster’ Pack

R&R Games: http://www.rnrgames.com/
Provided copies of their Pluckin’ Pairs and Hey Froggy Board Games

Max N Me Studio: http://maxnmestudio.com/
Provided a copy of the book Max From The Planet of Cool for each ‘Boredom Buster’ Pack

Fundanoodle: http://www.fundanoodle.com/
Provided 1 Max & Alphie activity book for each gift bag

Click Here To Enter.

HOW TO ENTER:

NO PURCHASE NECESSARY TO ENTER OR WIN THE PRIZES. A PURCHASE WILL NOT INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF WINNING. To enter The ‘Boredom Busters’ contest (the “Sweepstakes”) either “Like” the Military Family Facebook Page, follow @1MilitaryFamily on Twitter, Tweet about the giveaway(tweet provided in widget), “Like” the blog post, follow our Military Family Pinterest page, ‘Pin’ the giveaway to a personal Pinterest account, or subscribe to the newsletter & provide email used to subscribe at MilitaryFamily.com. By submitting your information, your name will be automatically entered into a random drawing for one of the Prizes (defined below). All entries must be submitted during the period that the Sweepstakes is being offered, according to all applicable directions as listed on the Web Site, or the entry will be void. Those who do not fill in all the required fields will be disqualified. Entries generated by a script, macro or other automated means will be disqualified. Sponsor (defined below) is not responsible for lost, late, incomplete, illegible, incomprehensible or misdirected entries, bugs, failures in servers, hardware or software transmission failure or loss or delayed or corrupted data transmissions or any injury or damage to an entrant’s or any other person’s computer related to or resulting from downloading any portion of this Sweepstakes. All entries will become the property of Sponsor and none will be returned. One entry per person/family/household. This Sweepstakes is void where prohibited or restricted by law. The winner will be notified via telephone, mail or e-mail that he/she, subject to verification, is a Prize winner. If a winner cannot be reached after a reasonable effort has been made during three (3) business days from Sponsor’s first attempt, or if an entrant is found to be ineligible, an alternate winner may be selected. If any Prize or Prize notification is returned as undeliverable, the winner may be disqualified, and an alternate winner may be selected. All winners must allow 6-8 business weeks to receive winnings.

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The Sweepstakes is open to legal residents of the United States who are eighteen (18) year old and over as of the date of entry. Sweepstakes open to only members of military branches, family members and close relatives. Employees of Military Family Resources, Inc. (“Sponsor”), the entity or entities supplying the Prize or Prizes for any given Sweepstakes, and each of their respective partners, parent companies, divisions, subsidiaries, affiliates, advertising, promotion and public relations agencies and their respective officers, directors, employees, representatives and agencies (collectively, the “Sponsor Affiliates”) are not eligible to participate in the Sweepstakes and/or win a Prize. Additionally, relatives of such employees are not eligible to win. For the purposes of this Sweepstakes, relatives are defined as spouse, domestic partner, mother, father, in-laws, grandmother, grandfather, brother, sister, children and grandchildren. In addition, you are not eligible to participate or win a Prize in this Sweepstakes if you have been involved in the development, production (including Prize suppliers), implementation and distribution of this Sweepstakes.

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Winners may be required to sign, have notarized and return an affidavit of eligibility and liability/publicity release within five (5) days of receipt of such document(s) or Prize will be forfeited. All Prize claims and winner materials will be verified by Sweepstakes judges. If this Sweepstakes is not capable of running as planned, including, because of any infection by computer virus, bugs, tampering, unauthorized intervention, fraud, technical failure or other cause beyond Sponsor’s control which corrupts or threatens to corrupt or adversely affects the administration, security, fairness, integrity or proper conduct of the Sweepstakes, Sponsor reserves the right, in its sole discretion, to cancel, suspend and/or modify this Sweepstakes and Sponsor can perform the random drawing from among all eligible entries received prior to such cancellation, suspension or modification of the Sweepstakes. Winner, by acceptance of any Prize, agrees to release Sponsor and the Sponsor Affiliates from any and all liability, claims or actions of any kind whatsoever for injuries, damages or losses to persons and property which may be sustained in connection with the receipt, ownership or use of any Prize or while traveling to and from a location to obtain or use any Prize. Further, no responsibilities are accepted for any additional expenses, omissions, delays, re-routing, or acts of any government or authority. Neither Sponsor nor the Sponsor Affiliates make any warranty, representation, or guarantee, express or implied, in fact or in law, relative to the use of any Prizes including, without limitation, quality, merchantability, or fitness for a particular purpose. Neither Sponsor nor the Sponsor Affiliates are responsible for technical, hardware, software, or telephone malfunctions of any kind, lost or unavailable network connections, or failed, incorrect, incomplete, inaccurate, garbled or delayed electronic communications caused by Sponsor or the Sponsor Affiliates, the user or by any of the equipment or programming associated with or utilized in this Sweepstakes or by any human error which may occur in the processing of the entries in this Sweepstakes and which may limit a participant’s ability to participate in this Sweepstakes. Entries that are incomplete, illegible or corrupted are void and will not be accepted. Any person who supplies false information, enters by fraudulent means, or is otherwise determined to be in violation of these official rules in an attempt to obtain any Prize will forfeit the Prize won and may be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. The Sweepstakes shall be governed by, construed and enforced in accordance with the laws of the State of New York. Any action by entrant or any third party brought to enforce these rules or, in connection with any matters related to the Web Site shall be brought only in either the State or Federal Courts located in Nassau County, New York, and you expressly consent to the jurisdiction of said courts. Each entrant further agrees to not knowingly: damage or cause interruption of the Sweepstakes; prevent others from using the Sweepstakes; or obtain or modify another user’s non-public account information without their consent. Submission of an entry is acknowledgment of and agreement to be bound by all terms and conditions of these official rules. In the event of a dispute concerning who submitted an e-mail entry, the entry will be declared to have been made by the authorized account holder of the e-mail address submitted at time of entry. An authorized account holder is defined as the natural person who is assigned to an e-mail address by an Internet access provider, online service provider, or other organization (e.g. business, educational institution, etc.) that is responsible for assigning e-mail addresses for the domain associated with the submitted e-mail address.

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Benefits of starting a blog during a deployment

Once you get started with a blog, you can easily find other blogs about Military life, deployment or anything you might be going through. Connect with those other bloggers and you will be able to build your readership. Even if you think your situation is unique, you will find others you have been or are going through it as well.

Frustration Outlet

What is nice about blogging during a deployment is that it is a great outlet for frustration and stress. Having a bad day missing your husband? Blog about it. Can’t figure out if you should go home for a visit while he is gone? Blog about it. Having trouble with your 8-year-old missing Daddy? Blog about it. Even if no one visits at first, keep blogging about it. Sometimes just writing out your feelings can help put you in a better mood.

Connect with others

After you start blogging you might find others in your area who do the same. You might want to set up blogger meetups. We have done that a few times here at Ft. Campbell and it was fun to really put some faces with some of my favorite blogs.

Be conscientious

One important thing to keep in mind is OPSEC when you are blogging. You don’t want to share anything that you shouldn’t be sharing publicly.  Never post exact dates or locations about deployment. You can always write a post and wait to publish it until after the event has occurred.  Another thing to keep in mind is figuring out what you personally feel comfortable posting about. You don’t have to post the real names of the members of your family. Some bloggers use nicknames. You don’t have to share where you live. You can be as anonymous as you would like to be.

You might think you have nothing to share or offer to the Internet but if you are a Military wife, you do. There is always something going on in your life that is worth blogging about. From pcsing to figuring out how to survive yet another deployment. There are many topics you can blog about. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there a little bit. It will be worth it and may make it a little easier to get through a deployment. I am so glad I started my blog when I did.

Do you blog or read other blogs about deployments?

In military life, there are always moments, little and big, that make wonderful memories when we get pictures of them. These times can be easily forgotten under emotions and the rush of life and getting things back to normal or the irritation of having everything to start over again. From homecomings to moving days, these moments below are suggestions of things I am so glad or wished I’d captured. As time passes now, I try to remember to snap at least one photo of moments that will never happen again. Or ask someone else to for me!

1. Deployment Day: As hard as these pictures are to take, later on they’ll become something to treasure. When Mom or Dad (or anyone special) leaves for an extended time, those minutes before they go can be overlooked.
2. Homecomings: It probably goes without saying that these tend to get the most publicity. However, so many times I stood alone and watched my fiancé and then husband come home and never saw it from the outside. I wish I had more of those pictures now, and am glad I have a few of him and our daughter from the last time.
3. Promotions: When your spouse gets promoted, it’s a big day. They’ve worked really hard to be at that point, and whether it’s a giant ceremony or a small gathering, it still means the same. Get pictures of their officers and friends as they all played a role in your spouse or relative moving forward in their career.
4. Moving Day: Whether you loved or hated your duty station, take some pictures of where you were to remember it by. Sometimes we’ve been somewhere long enough that we forget to take shots of the things that are “everyday” – like the front of a home. Years later it’ll be fun to reminisce about those times spent in that place you called home for a while.
5. Family pictures: When my daughter was about 18 months, we had a photographer take pictures of us with my husband in uniform. They are some of the most special photos we have, they truly capture what our life was like right then – his rank, her littleness, and our new life in the Army.
6. Dressed up: I don’t know about other branches, but in the Marines and Army my husband has worn his dress blues/greens very rarely. It’s sort of amazing to see the amount of time it takes for them to put everything together – from the alignments of ribbons and medals to the perfection of how it all fits. Taking pictures of the process, but especially the end result, is a wonderful way to commemorate an important moment that doesn’t happen too often.
7. First Days: At a new duty station? Spouse starting a new type of job? Grab your camera for pictures of what it looked like those first few days as boxes piled up and nerves were on edge. When you leave in a few years, it’ll be a good reminder of just how far you all came and that you did it once, you can do it again.

I’d love to know what your “can’t miss” moments are. The ones you have displayed proudly or wished that you’d been able to get. What ones am I missing here?

Issues small children can face

Where is mom or dad?

They don’t understand why their Mom or Dad has to be away from them. All they know is that they are missing an important person in their lives and that can be hard to take. They might not be able to communicate how they are feeling and that might come out in extra tantrums or extra tears. They might become more difficult for the parent who is at home with them.

This can be challenging for everyone because you just don’t know what you can say or do to make it better. And really, you can’t make it 100% better. Until the parent returns it is going to be difficult for the child. And it is going to be difficult for you if you are the one at home. It can be heartbreaking to see your child miss their parent so much and you can’t do anything to bring them home. “Why can’t Daddy come home? Where is Daddy? When will Daddy be home?” are common questions in a Military family.

Create Fun Memories

I have found that if I can create happy and fun memories with my kids when Daddy is gone, it makes for an easier time. Keeping the kids busy is a great way to not only pass the time but to help with the child missing their Mom or Dad. You can also surround them with photos of the deployed parent. Being able to see the parent even in pictures can be a great comfort to the child. It might be smart to make a small photo book for them as well. Even babies can have these as you can find waterproof photo books that are made for smaller children.

Kids can cope

It can be easy to think that a deployment will ruin a child’s life or that they will never be able to get over it. While the deployments can be stressful and you might need to seek additional help for children, not every deployment will ruin a child’s life. As much as my husband has been gone I don’t think my 8-year-old would say that he doesn’t remember him being there. I know he remembers missing him a lot but he also has a lot of great memories of my husband being home. It is important to make the most of your time together when they are home so that your kids have a childhood full of memories of their parent, even if they were deployed a lot.

Deployments are not easy and are even more difficult for the children but you and your kids can make it through and come out stronger on the other side.

You wait and you wait and you wait for the day your soldier gets home from deployment.  Finally your life can go back to “normal,” finally you won’t have to shoulder all the responsibilities of holding down the home front.  But homecomings aren’t always the fairy tale we build up while our loved ones are away, here a few things to remember as you welcome your service member home.

How to readjust after a deployment

Preparation

Before your soldier comes home try to spend time talking about expectations for the homecoming. Do you want extended family present when your service member arrives home? Do you want to clear your schedule or keep in your routine? Most soldiers won’t have leave immediately after getting home, they will still have to go in to work for reintegration processing. Make sure you both have realistic expectations for what to expect after their arrival.

Balance of Power

After months of being the only one taking care of the household it can be both a blessing and, surprisingly, a nuisance to have your spouse back in the picture. While on the one hand you are so thankful they are home and there to help out with chores and other responsibilities, it can be hard to let go of the feeling of having to “do it all.”  You may also resent your spouse for stepping in on things you normally take care of. Also, don’t forget your spouse may be dealing with feelings of not being needed anymore, take a moment to step back and let yourself NOT do it all, let your spouse step in and contribute.

Give Each Other Space

Don’t feel pressured to spend every single second with your spouse after the deployment just because you haven’t been able to while they were gone.Give your service member time to spend alone if they need it, I know my husband relished a solo motorcycle ride in the days following his redeployments as a way to relax and decompress.

Patience

Lastly, breathe.  Thing will not be “normal” for a while…give your family time to adjust to the change. Just as it took time to adjust to the deployment in the beginning, reintegration has its own timeline and challenges. Don’t expect perfection-there may be challenges along the way. Give the entire family time to find your “new”  normal.

Homecomings are truly the happiest of times for military families.  Preparing yourself that there may be challenges associated with redeployment can help alleviate a lot of the stress of reintegration; however, if you find that you need help please don’t be afraid reach out to friends, family, or contact your doctor.  There are also resources such as Military OneSource that can help.

Four years ago, we owned our own home as civilians. My husband was out of the Marines, we’d moved back to our hometown, and felt like we were ready to buy.

Two years later with the housing market crash and dead end jobs, we realized it was a very poor choice. We didn’t like where we lived, and we were stuck in a home worth more we could put it on the market for. It took 6 very stressful months, moving away and paying double rent, then finally selling to make us realize what a huge investment a home really was. Time and money. And especially time was something we lacked as new parents who worked.

When Sam joined the Army a year later, we were renting. We moved to El Paso and after a year of also renting here, considered again buying a home. Prices were good, houses were nice in our area, and we’d settled in enough to think maybe we could make it work.

After many serious talks, we realized how much better we were monetarily, emotionally, and mentally with not having a huge mortgage looming over us. We live in a home I love where if something broke, it really isn’t our problem, and within a week it’s fixed. With a toddler and pets, any mess that is made we clean but don’t stress about it like we would in our own place. We have our own backyard and take care of the home like it’s ours, but the underlying relief for us both is, “We can leave at anytime.”

Now with a few months until we relocate to a new duty station, I am so thankful we chose this option again. Unlike a mortgage, renting allows us to break a lease and go when orders come in. We don’t have to stress about moving and finding someone to rent or buy our home here. We both get to enjoy living in a new place, soaking up the culture, and then leaving without any financial ties. I thought about my children not having a “from childhood” home, but then realized in my life, the homes I love and remember the very most were all rentals. And it was the memories of family in them, not the house itself, that made that time so special.

One of the main reasons I was thrilled Sam joined the Army again was because I knew we would move a lot, and I enjoy that. But making it easier on us all is the key to being able to enjoy it even more.

We decided that when we are done having children and they are out of the toddler years, when we are in a place we will be long term (4+ years), and we know an area really well, we will buy again. I’m excited for that day, but love the freedom that renting allows us as a couple with young children and a busy life.

So what did you choose? Were you happy with your decision to rent or buy a home/apartment? 

Here are my favorites:

1) Faith Deployed: Daily Encouragement for Military Wives by Jocelyn Green. This book is my favorite. It is a collection of devotions written specifically for us Military wives. This book is great to have during a deployment, especially during your sad and lonely days. It has been such an encouragement for me over the years. She has also written a second book called Faith Deployed Again.

2) While They’re At War: The True Story of American Families on the Homefront by Kristin Henderson. I read this one right at the start of our first deployment. It is about spouses at Ft. Bragg during a deployment. It was sometimes hard to read but I felt I needed to know the realities of what a deployment was like. I would love to read it again now that I have been through three deployments

3) Help! I’m a Military Spouse–I Get a Life Too!: How to Craft a Life for You As You Move With the Military by Kathie Hightower and Holly Scherer. This book is a great book about taking advantage of the military life’s opportunities to fulfill one’s own dreams. You don’t have to give up yourself when you become a Military wife and this is what this book is all about.

4) Intro To Army Life: A Handbook for Spouses and Significant Others Entering the Army Lifestyle by Allison Mewes. This book is written by an Army wife for other Army wives. It gives you the basics of the Army life. It tells you what you need to know and explains a lot of things that might be confusing. If I had a friend who was about to become an Army wife, I would give her this book. It would have really helped me in those early months of this new lifestyle.

5) Chicken Soup for the Military Wife’s Soul: Stories to Touch the Heart and Rekindle the Spirit. I love the chicken soup series but I especially love reading stories I can relate to. This book is filled with stories about Military wives from all different time periods. Sometimes you are just in the mood for a sweet story.

6) Battlefields and Blessings Stories of Faith and Courage from the War in Iraq & Afghanistan- This is another collection of stories about those who have been to Iraq & Afghanistan. From Chaplains who work at the Pentagon during 9/11, to military wives having to get through another deployment, these stories will touch you. They also have other books in the “Battlefields and Blessings” series including one of on the home front which I am anxious to read myself.

There are many other books out there written for Military wives, just do a search on Amazon or ask your local bookstore.

What books have you read about being a Military spouse?